Sexual Assault Response and Prevention Program Advocate Office

Secondary Victims

Having a friend or intimate partner who has become a victim is a traumatic event for you, as it is for the person who was actually victimized. You may feel shock, disbelief, or guilt. You may not be able to believe that something like this could happen to someone this close to you. However, disbelieving the victim or blaming yourself is as dangerous as letting the survivor blame him/herself. This situation is no more your fault than it was your friend or partner's. And, while the violence or abuse is shocking, it is real. For your friend or partner to accept what happened, you need to accept what happened.

Anger is also very common. You may want to retaliate against the person who did this to your friend or partner, but retaliating brings more violence into your friend's or partner's life, perpetuating the cruelty that happened to him or her. It cannot be your friend's or partner's job to try to control you.

No one expects you to have all the answers. Just be willing to seek them out. Don't hesitate to get help.

What do victims need from their friends?

Men and women who have been victims of sexual assault, stalking, sexual harassment or an abusive relationship need the support of their friends now more than ever before. But there are ways to be a good friend and there are ways in which people can hurt their friends even more—even when they mean to be supportive. When one of your friends becomes a victim, they need you, as their friend, to:

1. Be honest with them. Never make promises to your friend that you cannot keep. The key to your friend's recovery is having someone that they can trust. As soon as you break a promise that you've kept, your friend will not be able to rely on you or trust you in the future.
2. Allow them to make decisions for themselves. Your friend is the same person as they were before this happened to them. Your friend can still make their own decisions and still knows what is best for them. Don't assume you know what is best for them. If your friend asks you what to do, give them options and let them make their own decisions.
3. Control your own shock and anger about their situation. You have the right to be angry, sad, frustrated, or shocked by what happened to your friend but that is an issue that you are responsible for handling. It is not your friend's job to help you deal with their victimization.
4. Not try to “fix” them. Recovery from trauma is a process that your friend will have to figure out on his or her own. While you may want your friend to “get better” and not hurt, your friend cannot control that. Your job is to help your friend in whatever way they need help, without assuming that you know how to fix them.
5. Sit with them when they are having a bad day or night. You just being around may be what your friend needs. Do not assume that you need to talk or act to make an impact. Follow your friend's lead in determining what they need and, if you don't know what they need or want, ask.
6. Do not assume that you know what your friend's healing process or recovery will look like, or how long it will take. Every person heals differently and at his or her own speed. Do not assume your friend should be “over it.”
7. Educate yourself about what happened to your friend and the issues that your friend may be having. It is not the responsibility of your friend to help you understand what happened or what they are feeling. Being a good friend means figuring out your issues on your own, not relying on your friend to help you.
8. Let them feel whatever it is they are feeling. Your friend may be angry, sad, frustrated, scared—or anything else—and those feelings may change every day—or every hour. It is not your job to tell your friend what they should be feeling but to accept whatever they are feeling at that time.
9. Respect their personal space. Your friend may not want a hug—or even to be touched. If you want to give your friend a hug, hold their hand, or touch him or her, ask first.
10. Not assume that they are fragile or in crisis. Your friend is incredibly strong for surviving a traumatic event. They may have bad days, nights, weeks, months, or years. But they may also have good days, nights, weeks, months, or years. Don't assume that your friend can't handle something or that you need to protect them.
11. Do not label what happened to them or categorize them as a victim or survivor of anything. Your friend needs to figure out how they will label themselves and what happened to them. Let them do that at their own pace and respect their decision.
12. Do not expect your friend to abandon their coping skills until they have learned new ones and become comfortable with them. Even if you are worried about your friend's coping skills because you feel they are harmful, you have to understand that those skills are keeping your friend alive and functional. You can help your friend seek professional help to learn new skills or give them options for other skills, but never attempt to take their strategies away without their permission.
13. Do not expect your friend to abandon their coping skills, even when they've learned new ones. Recovery is a process. It is not for you to decide what is best for your friend. You have the right to be concerned and to honestly express that concern, but you do not have the right to judge them.
14. Provide them with a space to feel safe. There are a lot of people in the world who will judge your friend, assuming they know what is best for him or her, and blaming him or her for their own victimization. It is your job to create a place for your friend to feel safe, not judged or blamed.
15. Be gentle if you have a concern about your friend. If you are worried about something your friend is doing or some way that your friend is acting, be clear when talking to them that their actions worry you, but that you are not judging them as a person.
16. Do not become defensive if your friend doesn't want to be around you or wants to talk to someone else about their feelings. There is probably a reason that your friend is making this choice and often it is to protect you. Respect your friend's decision and keep the door open for helping your friend in the future.
17. Listen to what they are saying. Don't impose your own feelings or thoughts on your friend.
18. Do not take credit for your friend's healing progress. No matter how supportive you have been, your friend is responsible for everything he or she has achieved.
19. Understand that your friend will go through many phases in their healing process. At some points, your friend may appear to be “back to normal.” Do not assume that your friend is healed. Tomorrow may be a very different kind of day.
20. Understand that what happened to your friend may result in their own personal spiritual struggles. Often, people who have been sexually assaulted, stalked, or in an abusive relationship have a difficult time understanding their spiritual beliefs after the incident.
21. Get help for yourself. Just because something bad happened to your friend doesn't mean your friend is the only victim. You are allowed to be scared, angry, sad, confused, or unsure of how to feel. The Office of the Victim Advocate is here to help you, too. The services are free and confidential. Just contact the office at any of the contact information available: email, AIM, pager, or telephone.

What if your friend is also your boyfriend or girlfriend?

• If the friend who has been victimized is also your boyfriend or girlfriend, the anger, fear, and confusion that you may experience will probably be more intense than if the person was just a friend. Intimate partners of victims and survivors of violence play a special role in helping the traumatized person regain control of their life and reestablish healthy relationships. Any feelings that you have about the situation are ok—as long as you understand your feelings and their place in your boyfriend's or girlfriend's recovery. When your boyfriend or girlfriend becomes a victim, they need you to:
• Respect their needs regarding sex or physical intimacy. The kind of violence that your boyfriend or girlfriend experienced can have a profound effect on their future desires to engage in sex or be physically intimate. He or she may want to resume normal sexual activity as soon as possible. He or she may not feel comfortable with sexual activity, or all types of sexual activity. Both reactions are normal and it is important for you, as the intimate partner, to respect whatever needs your partner has regarding sex or physical intimacy.
• Recognize that you may have different needs regarding sex or physical intimacy. Just because your boyfriend or girlfriend was the person that was primarily traumatized, it does not mean that you will not feel the effect of their trauma. You may feel nervous or scared to have sex with him or her. That's ok, too. You are allowed to have your own feelings about sex and physical intimacy. Communicate them to your partner and don't be afraid to talk to someone to help you process your feelings.
• Help them redefine their relationship with you in a way that makes them and you feel safe and comfortable. What happened to your boyfriend or girlfriend likely has had a dramatic impact on the way he or she views their relationships—especially their intimate relationships. A traumatic event can be very hard for any relationship. At the very least, the relationship will have to change, although not necessarily for the worst. Don't be afraid to talk to your partner, encourage your boyfriend or girlfriend to get professional counseling, or get professional counseling yourself. The Office of the Victim Advocate can help you, too.